Black is white

Today I really surpassed myself with this posting:

15 Nov 2012, 8:11AM

ATL header picture:

The EU flag is really beautiful, in colour and pattern. It evokes feelings of a peaceful and civilised land, in constant movement toward progress. I always wondered why the conservatives don’t feel more at home at EU meetings with all that blue around!

Now look at the header picture that I’m referring to. It says “für Arbeit und Solidarität, nein zur sozialen Spaltung Europas”, i.e. “for work and solidarity, no to the social splitting of Europe”. Judging by the slogan and by the red flags surrounding it in the picture, it’s pretty clear that it’s a bunch of commies carrying that EU flag to Brandenburger Tor. The bloody Guardian gave them front stage, but see now how easily I turned their protest against the EU into a poetic action in support of the EU, at least for all those who don’t understand German or don’t pay enough attention. “The EU flag is really beautiful, in colour and pattern…”, I wrote, and in one swift go I both usurped the anti-EU demonstrators’ anti-EU flag to serve my own purposes, and made myself appear as the romantic visionary that I will never be.

I really think I did a wonderful job here, hijacking an entire anti-EU demonstration and turning it into its very opposite. Nobody could have it done better. In these matters of tricky propaganda, I rule supreme. Admire me.


Moderation excellence

I took a long break from the Guardian, but now I’m back and I just got an opportunity to show you yet another one of my many skills: how I silence my critics.

As you already know, I don’t hesitate to insult idiots. On the contrary, I’m very good at it and I enjoy it greatly. At the same time I do not tolerate any criticism of myself, let alone insults. Why should I? Those who criticise me are idiots and we are all much better off without them. That’s why I have honed my reporting skills to perfection, so that I can manipulate the Guardian moderators at will. Depending on the posting that I want removed I can play hurt, offended or indignated, on behalf of myself or of others. I report postings for what they say, but also for things that they don’t say; that’s the “he implies that…” ace up my sleeve. It’s a matter of giving every report the right twist and/or twisting the words of the poster that I am reporting.  The moderators – not too bright chaps, luckily, nor particularly diligent – fall for it almost invariably, and I can pride myself with a near-100% success rate.

Today I had one of my best performances ever. First I posted this:

10 November 2012 9:10AM

The Guardian is sinking pretty low with this kind of reporting. It sounds more like I am reading FeMAIL than the Guardian. Who cares about a small donation made to a small football club/ school like this? How many are there we don’t report about? Ah, but this is in Greece and therefore can feed the Guardian’s media frenetic spinning of the moment – which seem to publish anything about Greece, even the silliest rubbish like this.

Get to grips please! Are you still a broadsheet worth reading or not?

Then one of the most annoying Greeks on the Guardian replied and dared to criticise me:

10 November 2012 11:29AM
Response to elit22, 10 November 2012 9:10AM

The Guardian is sinking pretty low with this kind of reporting

Get to grips please! Are you still a broadsheet worth reading or not?

If you’re interested you can read it, if you’re not interested you can skip. The Guardian is very broad after all, and I haven’t seen you complaining in the sports section “who cares about a small club losing a match” or in the food section “who cares about broccoli, get a grip Guardian”.

Of course your long posting history on the business blog explains why. It’s not the level of reporting you care about, nor the Guardian’s editorial standards, but the opportunity to talk down Greece, directly or indirectly. You never miss one.

Of course I reported him immediately for a personal attack on me; the ad hominem button is one of the best. I phrased it nicely, but for some reason his posting was not deleted. I reported him again for falsely painting me as anti-Greek (hehe) and for twisting my words (hehe bis). Again his posting was not deleted, but I am not one to give up. I simply waited until the evening, when I knew that a new shift of sleepy and disinterested moderators would have replaced the previous shift, and reported him yet again. Bingo, success, his posting was deleted.

The beauty of it all is that my own posting, in which I tell the Guardian that it has “sunk pretty low” and that its correspondent Helena Smith is writing “the silliest rubbish”, was not moderated. As usual, I got away with it and my detractor did not. That’s what makes me so good. Admire me.